365 Writing · Stories

Welcome to Evil Biz

[Note: I’ll get back to the prior series in just a day or two, wanted to break it up with an amusing idea I had]

Hey there, welcome to E. Biz, thanks for dropping by.

Well, thanks for having me.

Of course, sit down, sit down. Now I looked over your CV but can you tell me about yourself?

Sure, I have three years of experience in project management at my old company where I directed-

Stop, let me stop you right there. The thing is, was it doing villainy?

Villainy?

Yeah, did you extort people? Maybe some murder, lies, deception. That kinda thing.

Excuse me?

Ok, let me put it this way. Have you ever seen that movie “American Phycho?”, that’s the kinda candidate we’re looking for at this position.

Ummm, well not exactly.

So you’re more entry level in your evil index?

There’s an evil index?

Oh, definitely entry level then. That’s ok! We do have entry-level openings. This position requires some villain experience though.

Well, the job description just said experienced project manager with the ability to think on their feet and mobilize a team.

Of course, think on the feet they’ve severed from their enemies, and mobilize a team to raid a village. I believe HR might have just missed the more delicate points its ok. Would you describe yourself as someone willing to learn?

Well yes, I think I’m very adaptable.

Great! Have you learned how to extort and bribe government officials in the past? Or do you have any experience in dark rituals or cult-like blood sacrifices?

You know what… I think I should go, maybe it’s not a great fit?

Are you sure? At E. Biz there are significant growth opportunities, for instance, I killed my last supervisor, that’s how I made CEO in less than a year! Hey! Think about it, maybe in a couple years of dastardly deeds under your belt you’ll have enough guts to do the same to me! Of course, you’ll have to step on a few other people to get there…

No, I think I’m ok. Thank you for your time though.

Wait wait, there’s someone you should meet. Dracs buddy! Get in here! Good old Dracula works for us. Nice guy, I call him Drac’s… but he can be a bit lazy in the morning. Dracs! Still not coming huh?

Can you just open the door… please?

Well, if you won’t join us, I guess you’ll have to die. Sorry about all that. I’ll just shoot you with my new automatic machine gun I keep right… here!

Wait no!

Ahhhh! Haha, wasn’t that great fun… Hey, Dracs wake up! Plenty of blood for you to mop up no! Sigh… it’s so hard to find bad help nowadays.

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